Amortizing a Wizard Loan: A Satirical Amortization Schedule for a 500-Year Mortgage

A mortgage that outlives the concept of houses

Merlin borrows 1,000,000 gold pieces from the Bank of Eternal Interest to purchase a tower near the Whispering Mountains. The loan has a 500-year term, a 3.5% annual fixed rate, and a covenant requiring the borrower to remain alive, solvent, and emotionally stable about compound interest.

This is not a financial product. It is a cautionary tale.

The cursed amortization schedule

At 3.5%, the annual interest on the first day is 35,000 gold pieces. If the fictional payment is also 35,000, the loan barely amortizes. It does not pay itself down so much as it slowly becomes a geological event.

Period	Payment	Interest	Principal	Approximate Balance
Year 1	35,000	35,000	0	1,000,000
Year 100	35,000	35,000	0	1,000,000
Year 250	35,000	35,000	0	1,000,000
Year 500	35,000	35,000	1	0

The schedule is approximate because the final payment depends on whether the dragon guarding the escrow account has been properly disclosed.

Why the schedule is cursed

• The covenant prohibits selling the tower to any party named Beware of Interest.
• The prepayment penalty requires a dragon.
• The amortization schedule includes a column titled Remaining Lifetimes.
• The escrow agent is a sphinx, and the sphinx has not answered the disbursement question.

What the fake wizard should have done

In real accounting, long-term debt is often measured at amortized cost using the effective interest method. In wizard debt, the effective interest is regret. Merlin should have refinanced before immortality became a liability, or at least negotiated a shorter term with fewer mythical covenants.